December 5, 2009

I’ve been having a lot of feelings lately that are hard to describe so that anyone can truly understand. I’ve done a lot of growing as a person, but I almost feel like it’s not enough. I feel like I should be further in my life. At 25 people have their life together-most are done with their education, have a significant other/spouse and/or kids. Me? I’m 25, single, mother to an Autistic child, still considered a freshman in college and I just finalized all my bankruptcy details.

I constantly feel like my life is just pathetic. One of the biggest reasons is that I’m still single. I’ve been married before and that just didn’t work out the way it was supposed to. There are days that I sit back and think that maybe if he and I tried a little harder we could have worked things out. If we had worked things out we’d probably have 2-3 children and be really happy. But it didn’t work out and that’s where I find myself now. Being a single mom is rough. Don’t let all those super moms fool you. They too get tired and cranky. They too tire of their kids. They too consider all the what if’s in life.

Since my marriage failed I’ve had a lot of experience dating. The most pitiful part of it all is that I met them ALL online. Yeah, that’s right-everyone I’ve been with since late 2005 has been someone I met off the internet. I’ve tried several dating sites and have paid out so much money to these sites. What’s even worse is I’ve lied to friends and family about some that I supposedly met in person. Sorry guys-I just didn’t want to be completely lame! Meeting someone in person seems like such a difficult thing. I don’t know where to meet them or have the “chance” meetings that everyone I know has had.

When I think about it my mom’s voice comes to mind. My mom is more insightful than I ever have admitted. I really think she’s a genius. Everything she’s told me has been true. She bases her wisdom off of life experience. Who would have known that her life experiences could relate to mine? Anyway, when I talk to her about dating and meeting people, she sometimes tells me that maybe I should put myself together more when I go out. Maybe take out the ponytail, slap on some lip gloss and a cute outfit. I always think it’s a great idea but after a week or so of going on outings dressed up I go back to my trusty jeans, comfy top and the “messy” aka ugly bun thing I do with my hair.

I get so disheartened when I go out and no one even smiles at me. It’s like I’m not even getting noticed. I want to scream at people “Hello! I wore red lipstick today! Look at me!” especially when I’ve bought countless tubes of red lipstick to find just the perfect shade of red. When I do go out it isn’t anywhere to fabulous-it’s usually to the park (or an indoor play place), grocery shopping or Target or Wal-mart. I know, real exciting. I have only a couple of friends. One lives in Podunkville, Illinois and the other has five children. So going out with them isn’t really something I can do. I haven’t had a girl’s night with anyone other than my mother in FOREVER. I do miss having friends, but hey, having friends is expensive!

I have a lot of acquaintances, but they seem to be the kind that only call when there’s a problem or they need something. They also don’t answer the phone when I call. I have to call them most of the time and to me, that’s not a true friend. A true friend is when they call in good times and in bad and answer your call when you need them. I may have just hurt some feelings, but the truth hurts sometimes. Sorry.

I’m sitting here tonight really contemplating life. Several one word feelings come swirling to the top of my brain: lonely, jealous, semi-happy, fat (I ate too much at the movie) and not good enough. Sounds like a cocktail full of joy doesn’t it? We all have felt those things. They’re all pretty self explanatory. I also feel blessed to have my child and the support of my family and feeling his unconditional love is a feeling that no one can properly describe. Being that the countdown to Christmas is now less than three weeks, its hard being happy when I have all these feelings.

I live in my parent’s house. They’re here part time. I usually tell people that because my parents both live out of state I live in their house so it doesn’t sit here abandoned. They’re happily married but they’ve had to separate to find jobs. They’ll be celebrating their 28th wedding anniversary in May. As thankful as I am to live here rent free, it’s still not my own place. It’s not my dishes. It’s not my furniture. It’s not mine. I want to decorate my own place with lights and garland and use all the scented candles I want. I want to hang the special stockings that I bough four years ago but have yet to use. I want to decorate my tree with special ornaments that CJ and I picked out.

I want to go Christmas shopping and not cry because of the limited funds I have. I can’t even afford gifts for my family this year. I am buying for CJ only. I feel so guilty spending this money. I shouldn’t spend it, but CJ needs Christmas- I think for my sake more than his. I’m tired of going Christmas shopping alone. It’s just not fun. It’s also not fun not having anyone to stay up late and wrap gifts with or play Santa with on Christmas Eve. This is where the lonely kicks in…and jealousy.

I have my family and my best girlfriends, but not having a special someone to share the joy with is really hard. I spent Thanksgiving alone. I didn’t think it would suck since I had done it before when I was in the Navy. I forgot the feelings I had that day when I went to Denny’s with a few friends from Corps school. I missed my family then, and I missed them this year. I couldn’t afford to go to California with my parents and I couldn’t afford to get to Idaho to see my brothers. It really sucked and I will never tell anyone how much it sucked. I won’t be alone on Christmas. In the romantic sense I will be.

While in the Navy, I made several really good friends that have now failed to maintain friendship since leaving California. Maria was one of my very best friends. She and I were pregnant together and we worked in the same department. We were fast friends. We had our babies a day apart, experienced a lot together and both divorced. Within months she was already in love with someone new and now they’re married and have a baby. I separated from my husband in July 2005 and have yet to meet the person I’m going to marry. It’s been four and a half years and it really sucks. I’ve had several relationships and have gone out on more dates than any one person should have to. You want to talk bad boyfriends; I bet I could keep up with the best of them. Regardless of my past relationships, I’m still alone. Each time one ends I learn more about the man I want to be with but that’s not any sense of relief. I want to be happy with someone. I want to celebrate the goods and mourn the bads with someone. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING ALONE!

I’ve done a lot of reading on healthy Christian relationships and they all say to let God guide me. Give him the power to decide who I am to be with and not give my heart to anyone until God points me in the right direction. God? Are you listening? Please take control over my relationships. Please guide me to a great man. Please show me the steps to better myself in preparation for finding this man. Amen. PS: Please let him be cute and can you please hurry up? I’m a bit impatient.

I’m looking forward to going to school on campus in January. Yeah it’s an hour drive, but that’s life. I’m looking forward to having somewhere to go without my son and where I can just be Amber. I’m looking forward to wearing cute clothes and I’m looking forward to making some new friends.

I know I’ve done a lot of complaining-a lot of “poor me” but this is how I feel at the moment. I am lucky that I get to live with my parents so that I can focus on CJ and getting him the treatment he needs and also I get to focus on going to school to better myself. I’ve taken a lot for granted in life and that has gotten me nowhere. Okay, that’s a lie. It’s gotten me here. But this is not where I want to be. I’m firm believer in the thought of “if you don’t like something about yourself then change it”. I’m changing it. I’m losing weight, I’m growing as a person and I’m getting my life on track in preparation for the life I want.