December 8, 2009

Christmas is among us. I'm getting excited for Christmas, but I almost feel like it's a false sense of excitement. I almost feel like I'm putting on a happy face just for the sake of it.

I'm going stir crazy lately. CJ and I have been with each other 24/7 since April. Don't get me wrong, I love being with my little guy, but we're getting very bored with each other. There's not much to do that's on the cheaper side (aka free) so we're running out of options. Movies, playgrounds and quick jaunts to Target are losing their excitement. I think CJ is really looking for social interaction and I really hope he gets it soon.

While I'm in school next semester, he'll be in full day Pre-K which will be so great for him. I'm also going to have him go to the specialized daycare for the other two afternoons. It will be nice for him to have time away from me and time where he can socialize with kids his age. I'm very excited for him.

In just a few short weeks, it will be time to register him for Kindergarten. It's very bittersweet. I'm wanting to walk into the informational meeting with someone, not alone. I want someone to hold my hand when I'm holding CJ's hand and we're walking into his classroom for the first time. I know that I have to wear the brave face.

That's the whole thing that's going on with me. I'm tired of having these masks to wear. I'm ready for the genuine feelings. Yes, I'm very excited for CJ to start Kindergarten, but I'm also sad because he's growing up. I'm excited for Christmas, but still so sad about it. I feel selfish in the way that I feel and it bothers me that I feel like this. Is this life? Is this depression? I'm tired of acting like I'm okay...I want to really be okay.